Infertelligence

Loving life while coping with infertility

Fear & Anxiety February 23, 2008

Filed under: anxiety, coping, fear, fertility, infertility, knowledge, support — summeramorris @ 11:06 pm

In my experience in working with couples and individuals, the most common emotion faced by most is anxiety.  Basically, anxiety is a feeling of a lack of control.  I really like a definition by author Louann Brizendine in her book “The Female Brain.” She states that “anxiety is a state that occurs when stress of fear triggers the amygdala (the instinct core of the brain), causing the brain to rally all its conscious attention to the threat at hand.”  The threat at hand for couples with infertility is most often, “what if we can’t ever have children?” or “what do we do now?”

Although anxiety is very uncomfortable for most of us to experience - it is actually one emotion that is also easily coped with.  Here are 3 steps that will help ease that discomfort:

1.  You must first recognize and acknowledge the obvious yet unsettling truth that you are actually not in control of all things in your life.

2.  Next, ask yourself what you are in control of and start making a visual list so you can see you still do have some control: how you feel, what you say, who you ask for help/support, what you think, what your next step is?

3.  Do something different with your new knowledge!  Start acting upon what you can control and work toward not dwelling on what you are not in control of.

I know these aren’t easy to do right in the darkest moments but I also know THEY DO WORK!  Start with #1 and keep going!

 

Optimism when it seems impossible! February 16, 2008

Filed under: coping, discouragement, family, hope, infertility — summeramorris @ 11:57 pm

There is a noticeable difference in how we feel when we are thinking positively versus negatively about life.  In coping with infertility it often seems very difficult to maintain a positive attitude and outlook.  In a book written by Daniel Coleman, “Emotional Intelligence,” he discusses a study done at Oxford University about the power of optimism.  The study examined 122 men who had had a heart attack and evaluated their levels of optimism and pessimism.  8 years later the study showed that of the “25 most pessimistic men, 21 had died; of the 25 most optimistic, just 6 had died.”  The study concluded that “their mental outlook proved a better predictor of survival than any medical risk factor…”  What an amazingly profound study!  Those who experience infertility in their life might not physically die from their pessimistic attitude but we can emotionally die inside.

With optimism comes hope and with hope, faith.  After that, there isn’t much room for depression to take over, even in the most difficult of circumstances.  These 3 attitudes do have healing power although not always the kind of healing that we expected.  I have found in talking with couples in counseling and coaching that their levels of optimism, hope and faith truly play a major role in their emotional health. 

Do an experiment: notice your level of optimism throughout the week and write it down and then through optimistic eyes see if you have a different experience.  Taking notice of our emotions on purpose can help us to think quite differently as well.

 

Male Infertility February 10, 2008

Filed under: coping, education, fertility, infertility, knowledge, medical support, resources — summeramorris @ 12:19 am

I have recently been able to talk with a number of couples about their specific fertility concerns.  Most people often believe that fertility issues (or the lack thereof) are related to specifically to female related issues.  However, statistics actually show that infertility is attributed to 40% female, 20% both male and female combined and the remaining 40% male. 

Both men and women struggle with feelings of “being responsible” for not being able to give their spouse children.  Women often feel “inadequate and broken”; whereas, men are often robbed of their “masculinity and virility.”  Both common reactions are difficult to cope with.  I will talk about those feelings at a later topic.  First of all, I do not profess to be an expert in this specific area but I do have a number of resources and information that I would love to share with you.

The good news first: 1/2 of male infertility can be treated through procedures such as assisted reproduction (IUI, IVF, etc.), surgery for things such as varicocele and drug therapy for concerns surrounding hormone imbalances or motility/morphology(shape). 

A great resource for male infertility is www.urologychannel.com. They state that “one-half of men experience irreversible infertility and a small number of these cases are caused by a treatable medical condition.”  This is imperative to know as you meet with doctors to allow them to fully support you during this already fragile time.  The main challenges of male infertility are: impaired sperm production or delivery and testosterone deficiency which often fit under the category of treatable conditions.  One challenge this is often not treatable for most people is a genetic disorder such as cystic fibrosis.

Fertility rates have dropped dramatically according to researchers.  They have found that sperm counts have fallen almost 50% since the early ’30s and even more so in that last 10-15 years.  They have also found that the cause of this may in fact be due to environmental, dietary or changes in lifestyle.  This is incredibly encouraging news and a way to give you some control over this “out of control” time in life by improving diet and exercise while making healthy lifestyle choices as well.

Read, read and read some more!  Acknowledging this problem is the first part.  Male fertility concerns are often more easily treated, especially when addressed quickly.

 

“Job Searching” February 1, 2008

Filed under: coping, fertility, hope, infertility, knowledge, resources, support — summeramorris @ 5:27 pm

Imagine looking for a job.  You’ve been working at the same one for years and you feel it might be time to move forward.  Then, you see it!  The perfect job!  The one that you have wanted for years!  This is a job that you have even dreamed about having!  As you read over the job requirements, you see that you are in fact extremely qualified: you’ve had lots of  experience in this area in the past.  Your motivation for working hard in this job is as you look around you equal to those who have had it before.  You are even willing to sacrifice most of your time for this job because it looks so good! 

You’ve filled out the application and everything looks really hopeful in your direction. Now suddenly, as you go into the interview process the employer tells you that although you are extremely qualified and worthy of this job – you can’t have it!  They don’t give you an explanation of why only that you can’t have it.  They simply said as you leave, “it is just not the time for you to have this particular job.  Keep trying though!” 

Often, women feel this way about being pregnant and being a mother.  It is a job long awaited for but suddenly, no matter how hard you “try” for it – you can’t seem to get there.  I am here to offer help and support for this.  Often there is no explanation for what and why we experience things.  However, infertility is only one of these hard to reach experiences.  Somehow however, all else is clouded over with this one.

I found one fabulous resource to help people see beyond this and help you see that you are more than this one experience.  I want to share it with you:  www.iammore.net.  It is a powerful tool!  Linda J. Parker and Marina Lombardo are the authors of the book “I am more than my infertility.”  If you haven’t started reading it yet – go find it and start!  You’ll find strength and knowledge here.

That job you want; it is coming – just not perhaps in the form you once thought.  More to come on that next week!